This may be the chilliest it’s been since I’ve moved here.
The temp on my laptop is currently reading 41 degrees???
I always compare the temp outside to whatever season the equivalent would be in the cheese wiz utopia. And right now it feels like late October.
And yet I can’t really complain.
This particular post is a no frills, brutally honest, typos included from deep within my writing archives that I wrote about two years ago and only shared with one other person.
This covers the last six years of my life in the cheese wiz utopia outlining a very slow downward spiral . . .
2004 was the start of a steady decline but it sure did get a slow start
the first half of 2004 was all stress. unemployment runs out. no job. bills getting behind. and then my brother gets evicted from his home and my sister sais i have no option he has to live with me. a blessing in disguise i guess. that same summer my mother has a stroke. hospital bills getting behind they need a cheaper place to stay. so on october 1st 3 years after i originally moved im a 29 year old living with my mother and her boyfriend. my brother was living with my sister till the end of the year. he just left one day and didnt come back. and then by a miracle i landed a job in december
2005 was overall a very good year financially for me. spiritually wow what a death. my sister refused to live with my brother any longer and so don juan slept on the couch the whole year while i worked and mothers boyfriend worked and don juan fucking up a perfect situation. i was still paying the land contract on the mobile home. 8 grand for that place. insanity. anywayz i was really doing well those payments but not so much with the house bills. basically what i call putting up with an asshole tax.
i learned so much about negative energy from this guy during this year that i decided right then and there to always do my best to convey an attitude of positivity no matter what. even the shitheads in our lives have something to teach us.
he has a daughter. he’s never been in her life. so on the rare occassion that he does see her he’s always drunk. shes an amazing person and it pisses me off he waysted all those years. she’s 21 now and she’s amazing. thinking about this pisses me off cause seh was fopped off just like myself and not given what she should have been given in her upbringing. ughhhh. anywayz i almost killed my brother one night.
my biggest pet peeve is working all day and coming home to bullshit. and of course don juan was drunk and being negative and his daughter was there who of course tried to kill herself the year before and the next i knew i had him in a choke hold and he’s telling me to do it, do it, do it. this fucker actually wants me to kill him????? unbelievable. and little did i know the tables would be turned on me a few years later.
and then at the beginning of 2006 i quit my job. stupid on me but damn. who wants to work in mexico everyday? and report to the office and then the shop forman and going in all these different directions and supervising people who dont speak english. what a nightmare. i should never have went to first shift. little did i know this is the last full time job i’ve ever had
in may mother and boyfriend got their own home and brother went with. and wow was i stressed the fuck out. i really went thru hell dealing with my brother for a year and dying a slow spiritual death. i remember renting oprahs 20th anniversary box set and watched it in one sitting right after i quit my job but a couple months before they all moved out. and im thinking i havent had a real meaningful conversation with anyone in at least a year. that box set is really something. every aspect of the human condition is on that thing and some of the most amazing people i’ll never meet and thinking i cant live like this.
i remember going to sleep and my neighbors were on the front porch yelling their fucked up hick shit. well basically he was. i think his wife and my brother may have had a sexual encounter and he was berating her. not yelling but with my window and hearing this evil coniving verbage of shit and thinking it cannot get lower for me than this. but little did i know over the next few years i would get even lower
so they move out in may and the next week im there by myself stoned and stressed and who the hell knocks on the door? the fucking mormons. 2 missionaries. my headspace could not have been more paranoid and more perfect at that moment. i really was dying for a conversation of some intellect. my neighbor. god bless him but no. so i began my journey into mormonism under the guise that it would mainly help me land a job and i would have good networking opportunities. unfortunately for me mormonism does not work like that.
i did meet some good people like glen who joined about a month before me. is 15 years older. and followed that mormon plan like it was written in his pre-earth life. he is now married and just had a baby. his wife hasnt been on facebook since.
the part time work wasnt much of a help so i took on a roommate. my sisters suggestion was dan the man who is a fucking asshole. that lasted 4 weeks. he came in at the end of february and i was homeless at the end of march. still pisses me off. i actually still think that him having the all the financial power and me leaving cause his daughter needed a place to stay so u have to go and his fucking dog. he had a fucking dog Rachel. ughhh. what the fuck. fucking paris hilton wanna fucking bee. oh and his daughter never did move in. bark bark bark. his dog barking still rings in my ears.
so in april of 2007 i am officially homeless and i stay at the sparrows nest for the next 30 days. homeless in beloit is a lot different than being homeless on skid row but i’ll get that eventually
when your a male with no kids and no disabilities and live in beloit wisconsin and are homeless you are fucked. there is one shelter and i was fortunate to go there and get in on the same day. just needed an i.d. and it was a done deal. but 30 dayz. WTF am i going to get accomplished in 30 days. absolutely nothing. the only pact i really made during that time was to spend my morning with my mother and watch joyce meyer. which i did for the next 3 years. it was a good decision.
so i celebrated my 32nd b happy day in a homeless shelter not fun. mormonism was a big escape for me during this time. my home teacher bought me some glasses which i really needed. i only had the birth control glasses from the military. my other ones were busted and jeremy bought me a phone. good mormons for that time in my life. i went to church every sunday and then some for a good year and then in may things got really decadent.
what were my options? my sister was not an option. she said if i get a job she would put me up. i got close to a job once and then i asked if she would put me up and she said nope. o.k. that leaves my neighbor and my schizo friend, my mother. ughhh
all my stuff all that collectible shit from 20 years was now in my mothers basement. a very rush job of packing and getting the fuck out of that tomb of a trailer home. so lets see may and june. my source of income was plasma donations twice a week and my first experience of sleeping outside in a tent. that lasted about a month till i got busted by the cops. private property and transient. beloit is not a good place to be homeless. ahh sleep in my mothers basement. its not even connected to the house. that was doable till they got wise and put a lock on the door. at least every morning i had joyce meyer with mother.
june of 2007 is a lot fishing at the lake where the trailer park was. camping out with my ex neighbor. slept outside that month and then july and august basically made a deal with my ex neighbor that i buy the beer and he’ll do the meals. it was a good set up for 2 months but of course his mother pays for all his bills. so now im staying with schizo friend who is about as low as one can get and i mean wow. i never thought i would get out of that place. of course he’s a ward of the state and no overnight guests. bad bad bad situation. when i think dark and sleep and being coddled by your parents (and he has A FREAKIN KID that he never sees) ughhhh. amazingly this is not the bottom. this is comfortable and safe
september/october/up to november im with schizo friend. its safe, its a routine. donate plazma twice a week get some beer, get high, watch cable tv until that eventual day when he flips out and sais i have to go which was what november where i stay with my ex neighbor for a couple of weeks up till thanksgiving and then after that im staying with mother and brother and mothers man for the next ungodly 3 years.
tho i didnt sleep there everynight. i found an abondoned trailer vehicle thing in the mobile home designated rv place and lodged in there for a lot of winter nights. extremely cold. amazingly i never got busted
this was actually an alright year believe or not. other than my self-esteem getting obliterated by two alcholics. remember in 2005 i was working and don juan was on the couch. this was a reversal i couldnt believe. im now on the couch brother has his own room and he’s still a fucking douch bag.
in may i got a job in insurance. albeit a commission job that i wasnt very good at and a warm market full of mormons who gave me zero credibility with that whole single no kids thing. i did meet some good people doing that job and it got me on facebook. i got a job canvassing that year for the election and that got me my brothers room. he was now on the couch and i was as charlie sheen might say ‘winning’ and getting a taste of what having some kind of life actually meant again. of course those damn short term jobs that never last.
2008 is a year i look back on and think it was alright
i came across this in my draft section on the gmail
April 8th, 2009
How did it come to this? I’m sitting in a closet listening to my drunken brother rant and rave about how he hates me, my sister, my nephews on and on it goes. 10 minutes earlier I was enjoying my evening watching the daily show, colbert repor, john and kate plus 8 but then violah here comes mr. alcholica extraordainaire. This is the first time I made the closet a safe haven. 5 minutes later my bro sais ‘artie better not be in my room or he’s gonna get beat’. opens the door and says he’s lucky then goes back and yaps and yaps and yaps with
. . .
that was about as low as it can get with an alchie. back on the couch downgraded yet again. sleeping outside or in the garage or the rare occassion that schizo friend lets me stay over. i feel like im going to break out in hives remembering this. i remember that closet experience really well. nowhere to go. the basement. yuck and wow never thought i would elevate myself beyond that.
summer of 09 was actually memorable cause i got a volunteer job with riverfest in beloit and saw all the bands for free and my ex girlfriend took me to ignite chicago. pics on my facebook. but overall that year really really sucked bad.
a typical day:
December 16, 2009
last night offered up one of those nights i havent experienced in awhile which was getting attacked mentally by a drunken bro. i should expect this given the fact that he never came back monday night and the universe having to balance out the vacation of monday night with bros words of knowledge and abundant wisdom from last night so of course it motivated me to write out some facts that you all might not know about me:
my birth name, the one thats on the certificate officially reads richard arthur holmes, jr. my fathers name but with jr. added just to remind me who ‘THE MAN’ was. i would have prefered the name chico or even don but alas i would forever be branded ‘a dick’ which i find to be a bit ironic given the fact that i’ve been told to be more aggressive with the ladies if i want to be successful. and i never understood how richard translates into dick anywayz????? and as much as i tried to lick bush and dick in ’04 im still at the end of the day a richard. but daddy never called me richard. he always called me artie bug. he was very close to my great grandfather who was named arthur so by the time i was 5 the name artie just stuck. by the time i was in 5th grade i shortened it to art. with my close friends i still prefer artie. which basically means in grade school i didnt have any.
o.k. now for something you’ve always expected but were afraid to ask
yes its true. im now out of the facebook closet. its so easy being gay. i wasnt born gay but when i got out of the military getting into a relationship with a girl was just impossible. i mean they all have kids, constantly talking about their baby daddies. they should all go on springer and some need to be on maury. or they’re all in relationships already or involved with guys in other relationships. when i went into the military i figured it would be really easy to get into my first real relationship but i was a little naive. i mean for one thing way too many dudes. its like that show 1 v 100. thats pretty much the odds with getting a girlfriend in that place. i always thought i should have joined the airforce. the odds might have been slightly better????
so you’re saying really gay???? art come on i dont believe that, i think i need a drink, etc., how did this happen??? well beloit has a gay bar. i accidently walked into one 1 night after work and the ‘hits’ were unbelievable and i’ve been in a relationship now for 6 years. if you always wondered why i was for gay rights more than most people now u know 🙂
IM A VIRGIN!!!!!
you say how is that possible at 34???? well my one serious relationship (with a girl) was very michael jackson and tatum o neil. i coudlnt go thru with her aggressive advances. for some reason it was like going outside in this weather (its feels negative 1000 degrees with the wind chill today) and ‘it’ shrunk like a scared little turtle. and she broke up with me. it was horrible. i know now why there is such a high suicide rate among mormons who deal with their own gayness. sure i’ve done the horizontal mombo with my gay lover but thats still makes me a virgin. its good to still be pure.
I HAVE FOUND THE MUSLIM RELIGION
i just love those muslims and their faith. the koran is one of the most beautiful things ever written
I LOVE OBAMA!!!! THEREFORE IM A SHITTY AMERICAN
peoples short term memory is fucking pathetic when it comes to this. i mean really moral majority WTF???? mccain and palin were the way, the light, the future and the last 8 years was a utopia never realized in american history. . . i dont get it and neither should you
. . .
so what i am getting at with all of this??? if you believe that i’m a gay virgin whos girlfriend broke up with me cause my personality is ‘too sweet’ then a FUCK YOU would be most appropriate and the reason why i shortened my name to art in the 5th grade. if your new to my facebook list then your forgiven. but if you’ve been on the list for awhile u should know better.
what really frutrates me about my siblings in particluar is that my bro the alchie and my sister the right-wing republican Jesus lover is it depresses me to no end that they would actually believe this. for people that i have known my entire life this makes sense???? if i was gay i would be flamin’ gay, the all or nothin’ gay, the gay that the other gays looked up to and said ‘now thats gay’ and i certainly would not be sitting here with my momma typing this out. when my bro said that i was gay and ‘arts never been laid i gurantee it’ because ‘im too sweet’ and that i have ‘a way about me’ as a person i couldnt believe it. but thats to be expected from someone who is so jelous of you to the point that they actually believe this nonsense, to wanna put you down to a level that is even beneath them cause they are so filled with self-hate that they have to make the environment they are in also about hate and that all their problems are because of you, that my girl broke up with me and the reasoning behind it to justify my virgin status sounds like something my nephews would make up. he certainly didnt come up with that one talking to my sister and that to top it off im a virgin??? where the fuck does he even come up with this stuff???? oh yeah my nephews who are so obsessed with my gayness its creepy. i’ve seriously started doubting my oldest nephews straightness.
i honestly cant believe my bro knows so little about me that he would assume something with no real facts just perplexes me to no end????? but yet this is his truth. much like my sister who believes im doomed to hell because i cannot accept her truth of getting into heaven. or the mormons who believe everyone is doomed who cannot except their truth, or like my moms common law husband who one day accused me of being muslim. i didnt expect that one coming, or my bro calling me church boy, military boy, insurance boy, and just plain boy, and the one that really gets me is ‘boy your fuckin’ out there’. he likes to say fuck a lot. i timed him once over a 60 second period and he averaged a fuck about ever 12 seconds. and of course he will then say that i need to grow up. its bizarre to be critisized for things that would otherwise be praised. going to church, the military, helpin out mom but he manages to turn these into negatives. i would love nothing more to be able to explain THE REAL ME to these people but your only allowed to be as smart as the person you’re talking to and theres no worse MENTAL abuse than the abuse you get from a drunk.
But if there is 1 thing that really sends me over the edge is good ol bro complaining about my computer useage and ‘clickin and clackin’ and ‘sounding like a secretary’ and that ‘i do nothing good’ with the time that i spend on myspace. MYSPACE!!!!! IS A FREAKIN’ WEB CAM PORN SITE. I HATE FUCKING MYSPACE!!!! its like choosing cotton candy over a 3 course fiesta. and to top it off never being able to explain to him how much i’ve gotten out of the people that i’ve met on here and how much better and happier its made me as a person over the last year. If there was a serious negative demonic force in my life it would be my bro trying his damndest to cut me off from the rest of you.
i would hope that when u read the title of this note it made u laugh and u didnt buy into the gayness that is apparently me and yes im proud to say that i’ve been suckin’ on obamas left nut for the last year and will keep on suckin thru 2016.
the ballad of don holmes
if you still think im gay (not theres anything wrong with that) i’ll never be able to convice you other wise cause as much as im told i should be doing movies im not good at having sex with an audience
that year i sang in the choir at church a lot which was a much needed stress release and slept outside in an abondoned semi trailer a lot. if you go to the stateline of south beloit/beloit and behind the convenience store next to the subway there is an abondoned semi trailer. this is where i hit the low point with my frostbite in february of 2010
frostbite the truth
its february and its fucking cold. ive been sleeping in the semi trailer a lot. if i had the patience to deal with don juan i wouldnt b here. i did almost kill him again last summer. all my credit is gone. my schizo friend is too unstable and his the drug pusher people come in every morning so he can take his meds. and my ex neighbor forget that option. he thinks im a thief. called the cops on me when he got broken into yet again. of course at my nephews one night and they’re all bragging about breaking into my ex neighbors. at least they have a place to be stay their mother is really wonderful except with me. i was in the military i can stand on my own. why isnt it working. fuck its cold. at least i have my smokes. its sunday tomorrow. get back to the house, take shower. put on suit. try to feel somewhat normal
the usual thought process of a night in the semi trailer
sunday morning i wake up go to put the boots on and its not happening. the boots are a half a size too small. they’re not going on. but its too cold and i really want to get to church today. i forgo the boots and walk the half mile to the house. by the time i get there im in big trouble. my hands are ice cubes my feet are useless. warm water and im in a worse condition. church forget about it. im stuck on the couch. a prisoner to all that is evil in the world.
by monday morning my feet are swollen my hands are immovable and my first thought is it will clear up eventually. my mothers boyfriend calls my sister and my sister convinces me to go the hospital. it saved my life. this is the bottom. the one thats been building up for the last 6 years.
they operate and the next four days are some of the most peaceful days i have. no stress no worries. i actually enjoyed it. so who came to visit. who really cared? what did i have in my life?
well as far as visitors go. my sister saw me after the operation and that was about it. the bishop came and glen my friend who was single when i joined who is now married with a kid gave me a blessing. it was nice. jeremy my mormon friend gave me some waterproof shoes and a backpack.
my frostbite story was in truth not the truth. i mean sleeping in a semi trailer off and on for a year. no i’ll deal with that when i no longer have to deal with that and have distance from that and i’m certainly not telling anyone except maybe Rachel that and thats way after the fact.
so what did i have. a sister who tells me that i can stay with her to recover and then renigs when after four days in the hospital says that the couch at mothers will be fine. i wanted to kill her right then and there.
so first night mothers man go offs on me. i leave all bandaged up. i make it 2 blocks and come back. its not worth dying for. he yells and yells i go to brothers room and have to call glen. thankfully he lets me stay the night. recovery took about 2 months
my grandfather called me when i was in the hospital. he sounded really good. it was the last time i would hear from him. in a way hearing from him was a blessing. he passed away the following month.
so april of 2010 my 35th b happy day and no card from grandfather. my nephew robbed me of my christmas money from my grandfather which reminds me he also took my last 200 hundred bucks from my savings in 2006. such a sweet kid. anywayz
my thought was wondered if he left me anything. seeing that my father died in 2002 and my uncle died a couple years ago. and my father being the prudential insurance man leaving his children absolutely zero my grandfather set up some sort of trust fund. and so at the end of april the amount was in and it amounted to 5000 dollars.
what to do with 5000? now timing is everything.
april was weird month. after my b happy day mothers man lost the house. couldnt keep up with the payments. somewhere in there its all my fault and i owe him like 10 grand. so they were in a bind and WTF? do they do they get a trailer for a thousand bucks on a loan at the trailer park i lived at for how many ever years it was. and i knew one thing. i was not coming with. mother was asking me what i was going to do and i kept saying i would b fine but i was stressing the fuck out.
amazingly my sister let me stay with her the following week and that would b it. it was a fine week to. u wouldnt believe how many nights in that freezing cold semi trailer i thought of that empty room. ughhhh what a waist. of course she let my brother stay there until eventually he fucked that up. so i stay there monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and then thursday night i hear the news. it will be 5000 dollars. you move out saturday which is when you will be getting this cash payment.
saturday may 1st, 2010
my aunt has cometh to deliver me from evil
cash in hand, packed. off to walmart for some travel goodies and im off to las vegas. on the
greyhound at 5 p.m.
i could not wait to leave that town