Art Holmes answers your relationship questions from the mormon perspective

This is based on an uncompleted facebook note that was originally for some magazine article I was asked to do about mormon relationships since I have a background in that religion but am now on the ousted realm of the darkness. So here is the completed finished note of my take on normal relationships through the lens of mormonism:

What’s the sexiest thing about Mormons?

I honestly cannot think of anything remotely sexy about mormons. The religion is based so much on taking out anything that could be viewed as sexy as to be completely void of anything that would have a sexual connotation to it. Perhaps the sexy is in the point of view of having similiar views as 99.98% of the Mormon population and therefore your seeing a reflection of your own self in someone who is actually physically attractive that you would want to have a pile of childs with but that in and of itself is wrong and you shouldn’t be thinking of your sister that way.

SINNER!!! 

What’s the best thing about dating a Mormon?

The lifestyle. That is if your a non smoker, non drinker, love country music (a lot of Rascal Flatts), are a republican (GO MONEY, err I mean ROMNEY!!!), and dont mind watching disney movies for the rest of your life. Forget about watching movies above a PG rating cause then you will be considered a

SINNER!!! BLAS PHEE MER!!!

As far as dates go forget about kissing and making out least you be tempted to take things a little further. If your interested in purity rings and such like fare a mormon is your best option. Just be prepared to complete indocternate yourself into the religion. If your soul purpose in life is to get married and have a pile of kids (5 is about average) expect to be going to the temple about 2 months after you start dating. That is if your worthy. . .

Why are Mormons better in bed?

Interesting question especially since I’ve always felt Joe Smith created mormonism specifically for getting laid. But since mormons typically only have sex for procreation and the only way I can see a mormon rockin da house in da bed department is if they are either having an affair or paying for it. Mormons are so indoctrinated to believe sex is a dirty whore and the possibility of getting a mormon girl without those issues is basically non existent. I would not expect major unbridled passion there and just more of an inconvenience to have a lot of piles of childs.

Now if your in the fundamentalist polygamy branch sex is a womans most powerful weapon. If she wants any say so at all with the other sister wives her only power is thru sex so she better be damned good at it.

Now as far as dating a mormon and expecting sex forget about it. You’ll be lucky enough to get any alone time with the girl hence the two of you might be tempted by satan to mack on each other and the date will have to be chaperoned using the double date buddy system. This is why marriage happens so quickly in the mormon church and mormons over thirty are not allowed in the single wards. Very Logan’s Run.

 
My girlfriend is great, but I have one issue with her. She’s very non-sexual until she starts drinking. After she’s drunk, she has no problem initiating sex, but when sober we basically never hook up. Am I right to feel like drunk sex isn’t as authentic?

Absolutely!

Although as far as a committed relationship I don’t see it being morally or characteristically wrong,
 so from time to time, i don’t see a problem with it, but everytime?

There are deeper issues going on with her that will really effect your relationship. If she’s an alcoholic that’s not good for anyone. If your not a drinker then there is going to be friction added onto whatever underlining issues your girlfriend has with sex. Was she sexually abused as a child? Was she brought up thinking that sex is evil? You really have to examine the ‘why’ part of your question. If your girlfriend is unwilling to go there and she escapes thru alcohol your relationship will be grounded before it ever gets a chance to take flight.

But from a mormon perspective your both

SINNERS!!!

While together my girlfriend and I took lots of sexy pictures and even made a video or two. Now that we’ve broken up, I don’t want to part with these sexy mementos. Is it creepy to keep looking at naked pics of my ex?

Everyone pretty much knows that religion and pornography goes to together like a gay republican so my view as a mormon would be that you might want to examine your obsession with pornography and that you are a . . .

SINNER!!!

I just discovered the guy I’ve been dating is a virgin. He’s not opposed to oral sex so we’ve been doing that, but I guess he stops short of actual penetration.

I guess? Perhaps he has a very small penis? Ha ha ha. From the mormon perspective you two  shouldn’t even be alone together unless your married and popping out piles of childs. The questions you need to ask yourself is, is he saving himself for marriage or he may just be very very cautious about not having children or catching a disease. You really need to ask him why he is saving his virginity? Find out what his issues are and be honest with each other. If he’s not willing to be honest and open with this then he’s not going to be honest and open with a lot of other issues that come up from being in a relationship.

I’m totally broke, and my lease is up in three weeks. My boyfriend of four months, who’s got plenty of money, suggested that I move in with him. Would it be wrong to accept his offer?

From a mormon perspective this is very wrong unless your married and would be considered living in sin so that would make you a . . .

SINNER!!!

However, chemically speaking, your still in the honeymoon phase and your brain is firing off all these feel good endorphins. So it takes about a year to really see the person for who they truly are. Now if you want to speed up that process then moving in with this person will certainly do that so you will want to really consider what you believe to be your future with this person is? Do you want to get married and have a pile of kids and live happily ever after? Like a good mormon is supposed to do? Is this person your be all end all? Talk to your partner openly and honestly about your concerns. If you two are on the same level with each other about what your goals and dreams are then there is no reason to wait. If its meant to be its meant to be. A leap of faith might be exactly what you need to experience.

What’s worse: physical or emotional cheating?

Physical always leads to emotional. I don’t think you can reverse that? Emotional to me seems like something that you would make up in your mind that may not be entirely true and then blame your partner while your partner is completely confused why you would be hurt to begin with.

Physical cheating obviously is a much more clearer way of actually being a complete insensitive selfish prick and therefore can be very emotional for the cheated to deal with.

My boyfriend is still friends with his ex-girlfriend. Should it bother me that they get lunch a few times a month?

Only if you don’t trust him. If it bothers you then there are either some trust issues you need to deal with or he may not have completely decompressed his previous relationship yet. It really depends on how long they have been broken up and that your not a rebound and ask yourself if you have been cheated on or have you had experiences with being a cheater with an exboyfriend while you were in a relationship? Its best to get to the core issue with what is bothering you, examine it, analyze it to death, and then talk to your partner about it.

I was asked out by this cute guy and we really hit it off. On the second date he revealed that he has a girlfriend and is in an open relationship. I’m confused. I really like him and I’m wondering if my jealousy over his girlfriend is irrational or justified.

You need to talk to the guy about what your intentions are. From the mormon perspective polygamy is a required covenant in the after life and unless your open to his open relationship you might find yourself dating a fundamentalist mormon in which case is only really super fabulous for the guy. Your feelings of jealousy is completely rational, normal and human.

I was raised in a very religious household and even though I’m no longer involved in that faith I still have feeling of guilt after having sex. Am I doomed to feel bad about sex or is there someway to escape my upbringing?

I could write a book on this one cause its all about programs that have been instilled in us since birth into our subconscious. The short answer is you can always escape your upbringing and it’s necessary to escape it in order to grow and learn and be part of the natural cycle of life. But it takes a lot of work and you really need to examine your relationship with your parents and it really depends on what religion you were raised in. If its mormon or say jehovah witness you may need to completely exonerate yourself from your parents lives in order to do whats best for your own growth as a person.  Most people are so set in their ways their not willing to change and grow cause its going outside their comfort zone. Feeling bad and guilty about sex is comfortable to you because its the way you were raised. Sex is a beautiful natural thing and you need to embrace your sexuality. Until you do that you’ll always be stuck being a child seeking the approval of your parents and you’ll never be comfortable with the person God intended you to be.

I’m a woman and I’m going to meet my girlfriend’s family this weekend. I know they’re not very accepting of her sexuality so I’m very nervous. How do I brave this weekend? Should I avoid holding her hand and other PDAs?

Your going to hell anyways so you might as well fuck her brains out right there at the dinner table.

SINNER!!!

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