lawless (a movie review by Art Holmes)

Taken verbatim from a Facebook note:

Tuesday, August 28th, 2012

I am not a fan of shia la buff. The first movie I remember actually seeing him in was disturbia featuring a slightly over weight carrie ann moss who looked like she had a baby or two since her matrix dayz and thats what hot chicks seem to do in movies when their career is just starting to really take off. Where was I? oh yeah so Shia La buff I am not a fan of. I kindah liked disturbia but that third act was too cliche for me and then seeing him in 3 transformers movies and a very weak sequal to wallstreet pretty much put him in the actors i cant stand list. 

Formely this list included Brendan Frasier whom for years gave me a headache of i dont know what porportions??? I first saw him in the scout and he was such a winy little bitch in it I was yelling at my t.v. screen that he just get on the field and play ball and kick ass whats with this whole father thang and being a whiny little bitch about his upbringing? Or at least thats the way I remember that movie being played out. Maybe I’m thinking of rounders???? Next up for Brendan was a movie called Gods and Monsters based on the dude who directed the original Frankenstein and the Invisisble Man so my expectations were very high and then it turns out to be that the director dude was a gay guy who was played by a gay guy and well the movie was very gay and Brendan was like the pool boy or some shit so that was shit and the whole movie sucked the big one. So then Brendan actually managed to redeem himself in a movie called blast from the past which I was actually shocked how much I liked it so I give him credit for that one and then a few  years later he was beyond stellar in Crash so now I’m actually a fan. 
Jason Seagull was on the Brendan Frasier list very briefly due to his beyond annoying performance in ‘I love u man’ slappin the bass yadda yadda yadda. Dont see that movie sober cause its too intolerable to take like showing up for kareoke at 1 in the morning when your beyond sober. Not a good combo. Anywayz then he did the muppet movie which I thought was awesome and then he actually showed up at mount super fabulous to do an a and que so I think he’s just swell now. If La buff had showed up last night maybe just possibly I couldha got on the kool aid band wagon but he was the La buff in that lawless movie and thats just not kosher.
Now what bothered me about this movie is that here is a gang of outlaws. And not very smart ones at that runnin liquor during prohibition and only Guy Pierce can stop them. We get cricket, friend of the brothers trio, who is like a little special but he make a carborator go real good. The only dude in this movie to show any sort of professionalism in his gang prohibition making the monies lifestyle was gary oldman who kicked major ass in this movie. The one high point in all of this. 
Now this movie is based on a true story but of course hollywood being hollywood we need a little creative license. We get forest who reminded me of forest gump even tho that was his name in real life but were all the guys except for gary oldman in that time cavemen neandertulls who in the sight of a good lookin broad lose their shit??? And this guy forest could survive a nuclear bomb so of course miss hottie whom he gives a job to has to get with the forest and they supposedly do the horizontal mambo after forest has survived another nuclear explosion. 
Now about this shia la buff. Of course he has a love interest because well she’s hot and stuff of which isnt very clearly defined what that stuff is that makes her so hot beyond the physical so in a nauseating church scene she washes his feet and he damn near passes out. Apparently flattered by this lack of shit control they will go on to have an awkward lame date and stuff that slows the movie down. I was so annoyed by the la buff in this movie and kept having flashbacks of him screaming ‘OPTIMUS!!!!’ and pauly shore in the movie ‘in the army now’ it was almost too much to take and Guy Pierce plays such a psychotic maniac that I was actually starting to cheer him on that he would just walk up to the la buff and blow his head off. 
But like i said these trio of bros could survive a nuclear bomb as long as prohibition was still the law of the land. Once prohibition is over you can surely bet that one of them will get drunk and do a bon scott but not before they all get married and have piles of childs. 
This is one of those movies i wantah put into my final cut pro x just so i can take out that hideous church sequence and take out the la buffs performance entirely. Maybe theres like 3 hours of gary oldman doing his lawless thang??? That would be pretty awesome.
oh my 🙂

This is the a and que that was done after with thee Jeff Goldsmith 
with screenwriter-musician Nick Cave and director John Hillcoat 

This is the a and que for ‘The Muppets’ 

featuring Jason Seagull and Director Nicholas Stoller

And yes I was at both of these cause I RULE!!!!

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1 Response to lawless (a movie review by Art Holmes)

  1. Art Holmes says:

    I just realized that's NIck Cave of the FUCKING Bad Seeds, god and baby jesus fish I AM SLOWWWWW :/

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